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So I decided that I was going to set myself 3 small tasks a day and have my phone yell at me until they’re done.

The first day I was all for it because it was new.  New things are cool like that.

I had to be to work at 11am and did all my tasks before work.  Then I noticed that I was just a but more enthusiastic about little things all day.  I won’t get too excited by just one day.

But it was the same the second day.

Then I realized that my biggest complaint is that on my days off I have to spend my time taking care of all the annoying things that don’t get donw during the week.  So I picked a day (just happened to be today) where I go in really late, so I did all the big things I’d have to do over my weekend.  Now if I keep up the little tasks, I can screw around on all my days off…

But I am finding that if I do stuff right when I get up I seem a bit more energetic all day.

I’ll admit I can be lazy.  It’s not a self-hatred statement, just a fact.  I can be lazy as hell.  It’s even worse now.  I can’t get myself to do anything.

I get frustrated sometimes because so much needs to be done, but I don’t do it.  The more I don’t do, the more it builds up until it’s overwelming.  So I’m trying something…

I set the task app on my phone to yell at me until I do 3 things a day.

I did it today and it barely took an hour.  So I’ll do small things on work days and bigger things when I have more time.  And I’m leaving one of my day off’s free.

Lets see how this works.

It’s just a plain fact.  Shit happens to everyone and it doesn’t need a reason.  Bad things happen to good people, innocent people, and people with no frontal lobes.  And good things happen to bad people, undeserving people, and ungrateful people.

Shit happens!!

I’m not sitting here wondering why shit happened to me.  It doesn’t matter.  Shit happened, it’s done, it can’t be undone, and I have to get passed it.

I’ve wasted way too much of my life giving credit to crap.

I have to except that this is who I am and there are things I can’t change.  Stress and trauma in my early years has permanently changed the chemistry of my brain.  It’s a fact, it can’t be changed.  What I want is to learn how to deal with what I have.

I’ve spent too much time wishing I wasn’t like this.  Now I want to me to the fullest of my abilities.

Finally I can sit back and relax.  Finally I can think again.  Finally some time to actually mentally reveiw the past few weeks.

Before I was going start real treatment I wanted to make sure I didn’t have any physical problems that were causing my symptoms.  Now I know…nope.  Except for the wacky pregnancy hormones that are finally getting back into shape, I am the same as always.  Except now I realize how ‘off course’ I have been my entire life.  Now I see what’s not right.  Now I see where I need work.

For me the holidays are not joyful time.  They used to be, but not now.  Everyone seems to have lost the ‘reason for the season.’  It’s no longer about togetherness and love and bonding.  Now it’s all about money.  BUY! BUY! BUY! You only spent $100?  Only?  Don’t you love me?

Thanksgiving isn’t about Turkey or Pie, or who has the prettiest shirt or ‘oh my god, look at her hair!”  Yeah, those are fun parts…  It’s about being together as humans.  It’s about being thankful that you still have your mom…mine killed herself 7 years ago.  It’s about being thankful that you have a family…I only have a sister and stepfather.  Everyone else disowned us during my mother’s substance abuse.  I won’t see my family today.  Instead I’ll be stuck with people who are more concerned with the opinion of people across the street then the people at their table.  I’ll be spending the day with people who never have, and never will except me as family.  I’m trying so hard to relax and enjoy my day, but all I can think is “Can I start drinking before we leave, just to make the time pass faster?”

I hate the holidays.  They’ve been taken over by big business and we as humans seem to be totally cool with that.  I think it’s disgusting.  I’d rather be home with my husband and a PB&J then with his parents and the full turkey bullshit.

When I was 13 my mom brought home an IQ test so we could see it.  It was a generic ‘one size fit’s all’ test.  I took it and scored 135.  I don’t remember what everyone else scored.

I didn’t think it was a big deal because no one has ever said anything about me scoring 135 on an adult scale test at 13 years old.  For all I knew I scored a retarded level.

Now, 28 years later I took another test.  I didn’t give it my all.  Two questions I guessed on cause I didn’t care to figure them out.  One question took me 4 minutes of figuring before I guessed because my answer didn’t match any of the choices.

I scored 147, low end of genius.  So either I’m really smart or a great guesser.

I wonder what I would score if I tried?

Once I told a man that if I ever had children I would never let them learn the words CAN’T, HATE, or STUPID.

He replied “Then how will your child learn that they can’t hate stupid people?”

Last week and this week are horribly busy.  Due to a flu going around at work, plus and event, I have no time.

Last week I had 3 shifts I had to cover, plus my own.  Yesterday I worked 10 hours covering a shift and the Thanksgiving event.  Now this week I have 2 shifts I have to cover.  One is for someone to control overtime, and one is so someone can have a day off for thankgiving.  Then one day I will have to work 2 jobs at the same time because of a sick co-worker.  I even had to turn down a shift because I have too much overtime.

But this only lasts till Wednesday.  After that I will have 3 days off to catch up.

I didn’t see the doctor because he got called out on a delivery, but the nurse gave me the results.  All my hormones are in normal ranges except my FSH (folicle stimulating hormone.  The hormone that causes ovulation).  This one is off the charts at 124.  The higher the number the harder it is to ovulate.  A reading like this puts me in the peri-menopausal range.

Now all I can do is just sit back and wait.  Either I will mensturate or I won’t.

Never compare yourself to others…

They’re more screwed up then you think.