Friday I went shopping for food, bought a months worth, then we picked up our usual year starting supplies. (new socks, new wooden spoons, just all the thing one should start a new year with.)
Saturday we finished up our last 2009 task and spent the afternoon with my sister. Had our traditional New Year’s fondue.
Today is my holiday because New Year’s day fell on my usual day off. I get three holidays a year and I always choose New Year’s Day, July 4th, and Thanksgiving.
Today I am spending the day alone. I started a body cleanse, I’m going to start stretching, and I have to starting documenting how and when I feel dissociated.
I didn’t start any of this on the 1st because I don’t do resolutions and I don’t want these to be resolutions.
I thought it would never happen.
2009 is probably one of the worst years of my life.
The two great things that came were Wylie and Fozzy.
But I lot Zackary, Snippet, a baby, my fertility, my sanity, and most of my identity.
There are days when I feel like a hint of me, but mostly I feel lost. I feel like everything that was me is gone and I’m just waiting for something to grow back. Though I’ve never felt innocent in my entire life, suddenly I feel like I’ve lost my innocence and suddenly lie is jaded and evil. (like life has ever been wonderous and bouncy for me.)
People seem to think that I should be angry and resentful at my parents and they can’t understand that I’m not. I understand that my parents were/are crazy. Certifiable. Therefore not responsible for their actions. I don’t blame them. I don’t think they’re evil. I don’t think their flawless, but I don’t think they’re evil. My mother knew she fucked up and she tried to fix it. My father never realized what happened, and he sees himself as the victim. But that doesn’t mean he woke up one day and decided to be an abusive person. Being abusive is no more a choice then being mentally ill or being an addict.
If you knew you were a monster, probably you would change.
Yet when I talk about this I feel a wall come up. People like to tell me this is me blocking my true feeling of blame and hatred, but I think it’s more me not knowing how to let go and be someone who isn’t an ignorant, wild child.
Just because we don’t like who we are doesn’t mean we know how to be someone else.
It was more interesting then useful.
She did an odd physical exam that consisted of taking my pulse three different way, then she looked at my tongue. She said my hormones are messed up because my adrenals are too low. My liver is working too hard and it’s causing everything to go crazy.
She said I’m an anxious person by nature, but I’m not depressed. Depression is just a symptom of my inners being so screwed up. She said she can definitely help me and she guaranteed I won’t need anti-depressants.
She put needles in my elbows, my hands, two in my tummy, two in each knee, and two in each foot. Only one hurt. The rest felt like a pinch. The one in my foot just wouldn’t go right so she took it out and started over. Then it was fine. It honestly felt like nothing.
The needles looked like really fine sewing pins. They were completely sterile and she tossed them in a sharps box when she done. She used a clean one when she changed the one in my foot.
She told me I wouldn’t feel much after just one visit and that the more I did it, the better it would be. She did say I might need some herbal supplements to help me out. My next appointment in on Jan 7.
No one has ever asked me that before.
Everyone just assumes I’m Jehova Witness.
I’m not. I’m not a part of any religion.
For me Christmas has very deep meaning. It’s a time for people to get together and enjoy each other and reflect on good time and passed experiences. It’s a time to put away our disagreements and just bond as equal humans. It’s time for feasting and fun.
Unfortunately it has been allowed to be hi-jacked by big business and consumerism. Christmas now seems to be the one time every years when humans are forgotten in favor of sales.
The new Christmas motto is “Get the fuck out of my way, you whore!! I want my god damn stuff at a fucking good price.”
Instead of peace on earth it’s look how much I got.
Instead of good will toward man it’s people getting trampled to death in the doorway of walmart.
For What?
So that god knows we appreciate his son’s sacrafice?
Instead of Christ it’s Santa.
Instead of counting our blessings we’re counting our presents.
It’s pathetic. It’s disgusting. I won’t be a part of it. I haven’t bought a christmas present in 10 years. People say they wish they could be the same but their kids won’t let them. I think those people are very sad. And these same people are the first people to throw a fit when someone say’s Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas.
“It’s Christmas you heathen fuck-wad!!! You’ll go to hell for saying Holiday, now get your shitty fucking ass out of my way, I’m going shopping!!”
My husbands parents are quite old and broken down. His dad is 80 with crippling arthritis and he’s bed bound. He literally can’t wipe his own back-side. His mom is 81 with hip trouble. She needs hip replacement and can’t take two steps without a walker. Obviously she can’t care for the dad.
To make matters worse they lost all their money when the stock market crashed. Even though they set themselves up nicely now they are on a fixed income and living hand to mouth. The live in a very nice house worth over a million and they knew they need to sell. The house is on an acre of land and has 2500 square feet. Right now they are reduced to two rooms.
4 days a week we go over there twice a day to get the dad out of bed and into a chair, then to pt him back in bed and keep him clean. The other 3 days my husband works in the morning so someone comes in, and my husband just has to go over in the evening.
Because the dad has physical therapy as an out patient at the hospital, Medicare won’t cover home care, some everything is out of pocket.
Dad is supposed to have surgery on Jan 14 for hip replacement, then he is covered for 120 days in a rehab. facility. We plan to force the sale of the house during that time.
Normally I work Sunday through Thursday, but this year I took Thanksgiving off to spent with the parents, even though they don’t like me. Mom was going on and on about how she was going to make us all dinner and we kept telling her it would be best to just order out the night before. She agreed but didn’t like any of our choices and kept insisting she could do the ordering, but then never did. Finally on the day before Thanksgiving I got fed up and just ordered from a local grocery store and paid for it myself.
The next day I went over to their house and cooked it all myself.
At first the mom was happy and said it was like a holiday. Then she found out I paid for it instead of my husband. She got quite pissy and apologized. I heard her telling my husband off about not buying it himself because he’s family. (obviously I’m not.) She kept bringing it up and telling me she would definitely refund the expense.
Whatever…I don’t care.
We ended up spending all day there and even took Wylie. Mom loves dogs and obviously can’t have one right now, so I’m sure to bring Wylie around several times a week for her to visit.
Then Wylie got his own plate of Turkey with potatoes, gravy, and carrots. He even got a sneaky piece of pumpkin pie.
So now on to Christmas.
I normally have Friday’s off but since I don’t celebrate christmas and I had Thanksgiving off, I offered to trade at work and give a girl with 4 kids the holiday off. So, because I was working, my husband offered to work (We work in the same facility) and take wheelchair bound residents home for the holiday. It’s so much easier transporting them in the van with the special lift. He’ll do three drop offs around noon and then go back and pick them up around 5:30 or 6. Otherwise these people are stuck in the facility for the day.
He plans of going to his parents in between to visit them. Then we have our evening together.
Mom’s not thrilled. She wanted to make a prime rib dinner from scratch for us and and accused us of volunteering to work just to spite her. Her words were “You put us at the bottom of your list everyday!! There’s no point to us even living here, we might as well move to New Year. They’d love us there.” (we live in Ca.)
Needless to say my husband got pissed. Considering he was wiping dad’s butt at the time…
He told her to shut up and not touch that ever again.
Then the mom looked at me and said ‘With the way SHE feels we might as well be dead!”
I got up and walked out. I don’t know how it was handled.
The way I feel? I’ve been legally related to them for 15 years and not once has been ‘allowed’ in their family. Even when the dad was in the hospital the mom was questioning if it was ok for non-family to visit.
When I was pregnant I gave dad a ultrasound picture of the baby and the next day mum replaced it with a picture of a child from the neighborhood.
When I lost the baby she told me to suck it up because she lost 5 back in her day.
So basically I hand off my day off so that someone else can celebrate their holiday and I get strung up for purposefully destroying HER family.
I’m going to try acupuncture. My first appointment is the day after tomorrow.
I want to address anxiety, depression, and the resulting pain.
I’m also going to ask about Sam-e and 5HTP. If this doesn’t work then I’m going on meds.
Today is the day my baby was due.
I started doing drugs when I was 12.
My mom was smoking pot at the time and didn’t see the harm in letting me try some. Her belief was that I was going to try anyway, so she wanted me in a safe environment when I did. I loved it and I began to smoke a lot. My mom smoked a lot and she let me join in.
I drank for the time at my aunt’s wedding when I was 13. I drank a lot and got very drunk. My mom said I could drink. Again she was of the belief that I was going to drink anyway, so she wanted me in a safe environment. I drank Rum and Coke and I remember getting very hot, very thirsty, and then very tired. I woke up in the trunk of the car. (The car was parked and the trunk was open.) I had to hang my head out the window on the way home. I was sick and hung over for 4 days and didn’t drink again for years.
I drank a lot when my mom died. Every night right before bed I would right flavored rum. I never got drunk, I just wanted to sleep. I just wanted to stop hurting. I remember the first Christmas after she died I woke up and my first thought was “Can I start drinking yet.” I couldn’t because I had to drive to my sister’s house. But I knew I was going to drink as soon as I got home.
I only got drunk twice. Once was accidental. I poured more then I wanted, then drank it all at once.
The second time was intentional. My stepfather was visiting and I was supposed to meet my whole family for dinner. I ended up being 3 hours late because of work. I got home and took a big swig of vodka on an empty stomach. I was drunk before I left for the restaurant. (I wasn’t driving. I’ve never drunk and drive.)
I’ve been drug free for 14 years and sober for 7 years.
Today I remembered that I started self medicating WAY before the smoking with my mom.
When I lived in Reno, maybe I was 8 or 9, I had trouble sleeping. I remember getting frustrated because it was my 3rd night in row with no sleep. I went to the bathroom and saw baby asprin on the counter. I took one, then I slept. After that I snuck asprin to help me sleep.
I remember when the bottle ran out. I told my dad it fell in the toilet. He bought more. I don’t remember how long it went on, when it stopped, or if anyone found out. I just remember taking the baby asprin to help me sleep when I was 8 or 9.
If the world didn’t suck
We’d all fall off
